Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Moments in Greek Mythology- The Titanomachy Part 3 ( Now I have a Lightning Bolt Ho-Ho-Ho)

What better way to celebrate the holidays than to finish the epic power struggle between a tyrannical cannibal Titan and his upstart offspring? No? Well by the end of this post I'll prove to you that there is a strong connection between Mad Titan and Christmas. First a quick recap of the events leading to this war.

After castrating his own father and taking over the world with his brothers and sisters, Cronus decided to marry his sister Rhea as all good royalty is supposed to do. Well once he heard that she was going to have a kid, realized that he had to worry about the prophecy his father gargled out from his death throes. That prophecy being that as usual history would repeat itself and that Cronus would be taken out by his own offspring. Unwilling to accept fate (a recurring theme in Greek Mythology), Cronus decided the best course of action to stop this would be to devour his children as soon as they were born.

This worked for five kids, but Rhea got fed up for sacrificing her children to her husband and their mother, Gaea, was pretty angry that Cronus had not fulfilled his end of the bargain in releasing his brothers from the hellish domains of Tartarus. So she gave Rhea a rock dressed in swaddling cloth and probably wearing Groucho Marx glasses and when the time came, she gave Cronus the rock baby and hid her child to grow up in a cave in Crete with a nymph, a troop of loud soldiers, and a magical goat.

When the child named Zeus grew up he came to his father's palace on Mt. Othrys in an old man disguise (though since Cronus never thought his son escaped his stomach, why would he need a disguise) and was able to drug his father with a powerful Ipecac that caused him to vomit all the 5 children (and a fake rock child)  that had lived and grew up in their father's gut. Cronus, immediately seeing that his father's propecy was coming true, summoned his Titan allies and attacked his children. Unable to fight back, Zeus led his brothers and sisters out of the palace to reorganize and prepare for war.


Hmmm father is right about one thing at least, mountain tops are the best place to plop down a palace

Now that we are all caught up lets setup the players on this game of Divine Risk. On one side you had the establishment led by the Mad Titan himself Thanos I mean Cronus who commanded armies of Gigantes (Giants) and most of the 1st and 2nd generation of Titans. Then on the other side you had the new kids on the block who had their cool new base on Mount Olympus which was to the north of Mount Othrys and overlooked the plain of Thessaly where most of the war would be fought.

On the side of these Olympians (which you got to wonder why the Titans weren't called Othryians) you had their brave young commander Zeus who commanded his 5 siblings: Hera, Demeter, Hestia, Poseidon, and Hades, along with the titans Prometheus (whose whole deal is that he's foresighted), Epimetheus (who likes following whatever his brother says because he's shortsighted), and the sons of the Oceanid Clymene. Speaking of the Ocean, Oceanus decided to become Switzerland during all of this and stayed neutral for the whole war.

The battle raged on the plains of Thessaly for 10 long years (a recurring theme in Greek Mythology wars), but neither side was able to gain the edge. It was at this moment that Zeus realized that he should fulfill the promise that his father gave to his grandmother. But to do that, Zeus would have to go to the pits of hell itself.



Modern recreation of what Zeus sent to Cronus' doorstep

In the realm of Tartarus there was a giant prison that housed the odd sons of Gaea and Ouranos. You had the original Cyclops, three gigantic brothers with only one eye and the bizarre Hekatonkheires, another trio of three gigantic brothers except this time they had 100 hands and 50 heads. Cronus was not dumb though in leaving this prison unguarded, the jailkeeper that prevented Zeus from freeing them was a dragon-woman that was known as the "nymph of Tartarus".

She was Campe, the most loyal servant Cronus and merely calling her a half woman half dragon is doing a great disservice to the people who came up with the design of this monster (which probably ended up in both a pulp Conan the Barbarian rip off dime novel and a cheap D&D knockoff tabletop game). Yes her torso and head was that of a beautiful woman and the lower body of a classic reptilian dragon, but she also had the tail of a scorpion, snakes around her ankles, black wings on her back, fingernails that were like sickles, and oh 50 HEADS OF VARIOUS ANIMALS BUBBLING AROUND HER WAIST!!! She was basically a Chimera on steroids and this doesn't even account for the fact that she either duel wielded scimitars or carried a scythe. This abomination would be a tough opponent for Zeus to kill if he wanted to free his uncles to help him in his cause.

Now I wish there was some epic story about how Zeus was able to kill the warden of this prison by either intelligent or creative means, but nope apparently Zeus was just strong enough to kill Campe and release his uncles. With that disappointment comes with some great payoff though since now we get to the turning point of this war. For you see despite having one eye, it turns out the cyclops were really good craftsmen and for freeing them, they gave Zeus his mighty thunderbolts which made an already OP god even more overpowered (with no mods to nerf him even!!!). They also gave Hades his helm of invisibility and the bident which was the less popular version of a multi-pronged weapon because the cyclops brothers gave Poseidon his famous Earthquake causing Trident. (Another reoccurring theme about Greek Mythology is how miserable Hades becomes) Now with these weapons and allies, the Olympians stormed the plains of Thessaly for one last battle with their father's forces to defeat the tyrant.



Goddamn lightning spamming son of a bitch!!!

The final battle involved much throwing of lightning bolts and earthquakes and much chaos so it was a good thing that human civilization didn't exist yet (humanity wasn't invented at this point). But it was even these natural phenomena that humans would have to worry about. Because when you are gigantic and have 100 hands, it becomes really easy to rip off mountains from their base and just chuck it at your enemies who left you to rot in a flaming prison for what probably felt like eons. And boy did those hundred handers get tired from all their mountain throwing, which ultimately was the other deciding factor in the Olympian victory.

Finally after 10 years of hard fighting, the Olympians had fulfilled the prophecy of their grandfather, Cronus was dispose from his throne and was no longer in charge of the cosmos. No the world belong to the 6 Olympians. In the aftermath some of the titans found themselves in the same cells that the hundred-handers and cyclops found themselves in when they were shoved back into their mother by their sky father all those years ago. And like before Gaea wasn't pleased and had already begun scheming to take down her grandsons and granddaughters from power. Proving once again how much history repeats itself in a vicious cycle of violence and revolution in Greek Mythology (And sadly real life too).

But what became of Cronus? Well some sources say he died like his father (even also castrated by his son to add to the irony and parallels), others say he was stuffed down into Tartarus, but going back to the beginning of how all this relates to Christmas? Well here's how the Romans thought it went down.



Legal gambling allowed everywhere, why couldn't Christmas take that?!!!

So when the Romans did what they did best in cultural assimilation, they combined the Greek titan Cronus with their local god Saturn who was the father of the Roman version of Zeus, Jupiter. He was seen as an agricultural god and when he ruled over the earth it was a Golden Age of bounty and peace. So revered was Saturn that he was the first god of the capitol and his temple in Rome housed the State Treasury. Anyway, his feast day was on the 17 of December, but what's important is that it was extended through Dec 23 which is fairly close to December 25 which is Christmas. Now lets get to the festivities.

On the first day of Saturnalia, there was the typical big sacrifice at the Temple of Saturn in the Forum of Rome, all the rituals were performed and everything was basically shutdown like holidays in modern times. The Senate was dismissed, schools were closed, couldn't hold a trial, couldn't declare war. This was a holiday of trying to recreate the Golden Age Saturn oversaw where man was all equal and there was no war and food a plenty.

After the public sacrifice, a lot of the more famous aspects of the holiday were private. The most famous of these being the role reversal between masters and their slaves. Now of course this depended on what kind of master you had, but Roman slavery was not nearly as bad as Antebellum Southern slavery of the 19th century (except if you were a mine slave then you were soooo screwed and only a year at best of living). The reason why slaves were treated pretty nicely compared to the standards set by other slave keeping societies is because the Roman elite were pretty terrified about slaves revolting and killing them in their sleep (Remember that Spartacus guy with the cool TV show and classic Kubrick movie? Yeah that he led an army of slaves and gladiators that tore a lot of shit up).

On the holiday, there are many accounts of the slaves being served food by their masters (or eating first or just eating with your masters). The slaves still had to make the food though. Another thing that was allowed was free speech meaning that your slaves could talk about how much you were an asshole you were without getting punished (punishment towards slaves was also not allowed on the holiday), which is why the Roman poet Horace called it "December Liberty".

Now you are probably wondering "Zach what does this have to do with Christmas though?" Well here is the biggest influence that Saturnalia probably had on the Christmas holiday (unfortunately not legalized dice gambling which was also prohibited and disliked in Rome). Actually there are two things because I forgot about the tacky clothes that the Romans would wear instead of the toga (which no one liked to wear). The other thing that is a main influence to Christmas though is the gift giving which occurred on December 19th.

People would receive sigillaria which was pottery and wax figures meant to signify the importance of the day, along with stuff like candles. Though it was not all boring stuff like that, gag gifts were actually a thing and Emperor Augustus, yes the adopted son of Julius goddamn Caesar was fond of what today might be fake vomit. Kids received toys for Saturnalia because even back in ancient times kids had toys to play with.  

Another Roman Poet, Martial, actually described what was also given as gifts for the holidays: writing tablets, dice, knucklebones, moneyboxes, combs, toothpicks, a hat, a hunting knife, an axe, various lamps, balls, perfumes, pipes, a pig, a sausage, a parrot, tables, cups, spoons, items of clothing, statues, masks, books, and pets. He also brought up that exotic animals and slaves were gifted to people, but noted that lower token gifts often showed a higher value of friendship. Another thing to note about gift giving was the importance that Patrons showed to their poorer/less fortunate clients was giving them some money so that they could buy gifts.

There were even proto-gift cards during this time, with gifts often having writing (often poems) on them. One of my personal favorites is the book of bad poems that my favorite Roman poet, Catallus, (seriously look up Catallus 16 its really funny how petty Romans could be to people that slighted/betrayed them) received which had the "the worst poet of all time" written on it as a joke from a friend.

But if you need anymore proof that Saturnalia had an influence on Christmas you should know that rampant overeating and drunkenness became the rule, and a sober person the exception. And if that doesn't perfectly describe a Christmas party then I don't know what party I was at two nights ago. Happy holidays.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Moments In Greek Mythology-The Titanomachy Part 2 (Cannibal Parents, Stone Babies, and Goat Horns filled with food!)

So with the hierarchy of the first and second generation of Titans explained, lets look at how Cronus went with dealing with that prophecy his father told him after usurping the throne of control of the universe. Ouranos told his youngest son that he too would usurped by a coup d'etat from his youngest offspring. Cronus, despite ruling over a literal Golden Age, was greatly troubled about this since one of the defining features of Greek Mythology is: Fate is inevitable and fighting it will only lead to you speeding up your demise. (Much like trying to avoid taxes if you are not a rich person)

When he got the news from his wife that he was going to be a father, he already began thinking of ways of how to prevent his brood from usurping him from the throne. Now he could have gone with the normal way Greeks dealt with unwanted kids: leave the baby out in the wilderness to get eaten by wolves or die from exposure, but Cronus wasn't feeling that way. No Cronus must have been feeling mighty peckish when he came up with the solution to this destined downfall crap. (And as always the best ideas usually come after a good meal, not before it)



Would you be shocked that the painter who painted this on his bedroom wall in his Spanish Villa was going insane from sickness and depression

So yeah Cronus' grand plan at stopping his children from overthrowing him was to wait for Rhea to give birth and then immediately pick up the baby and eat it. Pretty simple and straight forward and doesn't give the child a chance to be raised by the wolves or farmers (Priam learned the hard way with the latter). What Cronus didn't seem to account for was his wife's approval for taking their children and immediately snatching it away from her hands to be devoured in his ravenous maw.

What Cronus also didn't account for was his mother being pissed that he didn't hold his end of the bargain in releasing his cyclops and hundred-handed brothers from Tartarus when he took the keys of the kingdom from Sky Dad. This would soon prove to be his undoing when after he ate the 5th kid, Rhea went "enough is enough!" (you'd think the straw would break earlier but whatever). When she found out she was going to have a sixth kid (Man and people think Catholics have a lot of kids), she went to her dear old mom who was biding her time for someone to knock off Cronus.



Hmmmm this one feels a little bit heavy and cold and spherical and looks like a rock, are you sure it's mine?

Rhea gave birth to her child on the island of Crete, before the days when people lived there to give birth to an unholy bovine abomination. Hiding the baby there, she came back with a foolproof plan to fool the Titan who was cunning enough to overthrow his father... she gave him a big rock covered in swaddling clothes. (I guess when you become paranoid enough to start eating your kids, you kind of lose your observation skills) He swallowed the fake baby and thus the seeds to his downfall were sown, for in cave in Crete, a young god would rise to overthrow his evil father and save his brothers and sisters that were still alive in their father's gut (Yeah I forgot to mention that apparently like Attack on Titan, Greek Mythology Titans also don't have a digestive system, lucky for kids though that's where the similarities end).


Oh god I can just tell that poor woman gets 2 hour sleep from the look of that baby

So who was this wonder kid that would defeat his evil father? His name was Zeus which according to my completely reliable sources (Wikipedia) means to shine. A more proper word to describe this baby would be loud since it took the efforts of nine Korybantes, a company of soldiers that venerated Rhea, to sing and dance and bang their shields to drown out the cries of baby Zeus.

Who was the poor foster-mother to deal with the demands of an immature Zeus (which is pretty scary seeing how "mature" he is when he gets older)? Why a goat, yes you heard me right, the person chosen for the job of raising the chosen one was a goat goddess. Her name was Amalthea and she provided nourishment with her's goat's milk. Now to be fair there was also a nymph by the name of Adamanthea helping out, but some versions of the story tell of how she was able to make Zeus invisible.

Thanks to the literal nature of things, Cronus ruled over the earth, the heavens and the sea, thus meaning that he was able to see all things that were in the Earth, the Heavens, and the Sea. So Adamanthea hid Zeus by dangling him on a rope from a tree, suspended between earth, sea and sky, ergo meaning he existed beyond Cronus' domain and therefore meaning he couldn't see his son no matter how much he cried. (But wait isn't he in the sky anyway because he's suspe... Shut up!!!)

And since last week was Thanksgiving, here is a timely fun fact! While the baby was growing up he was having fun with his goat nursemaid (not in that way!) and accidentally broke off one of her horns. Well this broken horn soon showed to have magical properties because out of the end of it food poured out and proved to be a source of infinite nourishment. This is where we get the cornucopia from which means "Horn of Plenty", so yeah even in modern times we still find ancient symbols and rituals in our holidays.

Now fast forward a decade or two (or less, maybe god's have different maturity rates) and Zeus is a young man ready to fulfill his destiny. He left that Cretan cave (of which there are many claimed to be the cave where Zeus was born because even in ancient times, tourist traps made good money), but he needed help, he needed to free his siblings from the stomach of his mad titan of a father. But how?


I'm sure this was not the only boulder that some shlub found at a high flow river and claimed to be the Zeus rock. 

Zeus found help with other Titans, showing that perhaps eating your children does not make you like a leader you want to follow, the Titaness Metis gave Zeus what was basically an ancient version of Ipecac (unfortunately Mike Patton was not involved). With the throwup juice in hand he went up to the palace of Cronus on Mt. Othrys (got to have those parallels!!) disguised as an old man/beggar. Because the Greeks took hospitality to guests VERY SERIOUSLY, Cronus welcomed the guest and offered him some food.

And like a teenage prankster from a movie in the 60s, Zeus sneaked in the Ipecac on whatever Cronus was eating (I don't know what he was eating... a gyro let's go with that). He eats it and like a *insert bad gas station chain here* egg salad sandwich, it immediately turns his stomach into a science fair volcano and causes him to projectile vomit his five kids and the fake rock baby. And because of the magic of being immortal all five of Cronus's kids were fully formed, perfectly fit, and somehow had clothes to wear (guess Rhea used Cronus as a laundromat in between letting him eat their kids).

Cronus was of course pretty pissed as Zeus revealed himself as his sixth son and the one who was going to overthrow him. But Cronus like any good video game villain, laughed at his son and summoned his Titan brethren who were on his side and immediately kicked these young gods off the mountain. The war of the Titans had begun and Zeus was going to need reinforcements.