Thursday, November 13, 2014

Moments In Greek Mythology-The Titanomachy Part 1 (Introducing the Titanic foes of Olympus The... uh Titans)

Two weeks ago, we looked at the origins of the Greek Mythology universe and various primordial beings that planted the seeds of a horribly messed up and incestuous family tree. We also saw the beginnings of the Golden Age which of course was ushered by the castration of a sky god and ruled by the youngest of 12 siblings collectively known as the Titans.



No, these Titans don't suck horribly

Like I was say there was a first generation of 12 Titans and each had their own role. On the guy side we had Cronus who was the king of the Titans AND NOT RULER OF TIME (Again that is Cronos). Next was Iapetus who does not actually represent the oceans, Iapetus being the name of one the many ancient oceans in Earth's history and was a predessor to the Atlantic Ocean, he actually represented the either craftsmanship or mortality. Now the actual ruler of the oceans was aptly named Oceanus (kind of lame to have your role based off your name).

Next was the ever watchful Hyperion who reigned over wisdomness and light according to Hesiod. Then there was Coeus, who is thought to be the god of rational intelligence, but at least that was something compared to the last of these Titanic brothers. Crius is kind of the odd duck because we don't really know what he does and isn't really given a clear role from the writings of Hesiod. He may have been the god of constellations based on something to do with the symbol of the Ram that predates the zodiac symbol of Aries, but yeah not much is known about what the hell poor Crius did.



Wait a minute, you mean to tell me Justice isn't blind?

Now on the women side of things we had more wonderful brother sister incest since all the titans married each other's sibling because hey there's six of us each, we got to be symmetrical I guess! These Titanesses (I guess that's how you say female titans) included Mnemosyne who ruled over memory and did not partake in marrying a brother. Tethys who married Oceanus (Tethys was also the name of another ancient sea by the way, existed during the Mesozoic Era) and they gave birth to 3,000!!! ocean nymphs known with the really creative name of the Oceanids. There was Theia who was the Titaness of shiny and glory (must have been worshiped by cats given her former role) and married Hyperion because they were both rulers of bright stuff. Phoebe was married to Coeus and the titaness of prophecy (and when you look at her grandchildren this won't be that surprising).

Themis was the next Titaness and she is actually still well known to this day. Sure since the 1600s she's been put in a blindfold and before then the Romans co-opted her and gave her a scale and sword, but Themis has always been the goddess of divine law. (Though in Greek Mythology land, divine law usually just meant you were going to get a lightning bolt thrown at you)

And last of all the Titanesses was the queen of the Titans and wife to Cronus; Rhea. She doesn't really have a role per say, but she will be extremely important for the events that will lead to the rise of the Olympians. Now that the Titans were all married and overlooking from Mount Othrys (Greeks sure loved their parallels) an Age where mankind was able to live long and old and in peace and not worry about growing food (kind of weird since you expect the Big Bad Titans to rule over mankind like Sauron or God-Hitler); they started to have children of their own.



Damn Titans, I don't want to live for a long time and eat without farming, I want to live in a world where life is short and cruel! DOWN WITH CRONUS AND THIS OPPRESSIVE REGIME!!!

The Second Generation of Titans had lesser roles compared to their parents, but still important in the grand scheme of things. Hyperion's kids, Helios, Selene, and Eos represented the Sun, Moon, and Dawn respectively. Iapetus had four strong boys where only one of them had an ounce of intelligence; there was Atlas (the map guy), Epimetheus (the fool), Menoetius (doomed might which is pretty metal), and then good old Prometheus (the smart one whose name literally means foresight). Coeus' children were a mysterious trio of Lelantos (a god of the unseen and air), Leto ("The Hidden One"), and Asteria (goddess of nocturnal oracles because the Greeks had to be thorough and separate the oracle gods by day and night). Other than the 3,000 Oceanids, Oceanus also had a daughter named Metis who was the Titaness of wisdom (guess who her daughter is?) and Styx who would have the honor of not only being named for a river of the damned, but also the name of a band that will forever be played in Pittsburgh because we haven't left the 80s musically!!! For Crius' children there was destrutive Perses, god of the dusk Astraeus (and father of the winds), and the titan god of warcraft Pallas (insert WOW joke here).

Finally this just leaves us with the divine monarchy's children between the lovers Rhea and Cronus. However, there was a tiny problem of the little prophecy/curse Ouranos said as his son castrated his balls into the ocean. Basically it was, "Oh laugh it up big boy, because the same thing is going to happen to you and there is nothing you can do about it! ahhahaha oh god I need some ice" Now paranoid for his kingdom and well being, Cronus was willing to do anything to prevent his children from overthrowing him. He also made the mistake of not keeping a promise to his dear old mother about the whole "Overthrow your asshole father and release your deformed looking brothers from hell" bargin.


 The fruits of these actions and what depths he will be willing to go in the next part of this two (or three if I want to divide things up further I don't know) parter look at the Titanomachy.

Now for the ratings

0/10 for ill treatment of women/rape (everything is consensual and hunky dory, this must be a Golden Age)
0/10 stuff that would become a fetish on the internet (Again this must be a golden age!!!)
8/10 accessibility (this is basically setting up the generations of Titan fodder for god guys to kill/have extramarital affairs with)
-5/10 creative names (Seriously Oceanids was the best you Greeks could come up with?!)