095 The Gigantomachy- the Korean War of Greek Mythology Part 1

Everyone remembers the Titanomachy, you know the War of the Gods versus the Titans led by Kronos in which Zeus and the Olympians won to take over the world? Remember how when the Olympians won, they imprisoned and punished most of the Titans? Well it turns out that Gaia wasn't pleased with this, even though she was the one who wanted the Olympians to get revenge on the Titans for not releasing her children from the bowels of Tartarus. Zeus even released those who were imprisoned and they helped the gods in defeating the Titans. So what made Gaia more scorned than the queen of Mars after being dumped by a duck?


DAMMIT! Back to square 1... AGAIN!



Because after their victory, the Olympians had a lot of the Titans imprisoned in Tartarus. Gaia, who was about as much a smother as Floyd Pinkerton's mom, was very upset at this. Sure her hundred handers and cyclops children were released, but now the Titans were stuck in there! Seeing that she was back to where she started, Gaia vowed to destroy her grandchildren; with a vengeance that would prove to be even more terrible than the Pandora's vengeance against human colonists.

She would call upon the race of monstrous beings created by ironically, the blood of her former lover's castrated balls. These were the gigantes or giants for us lay people and they were meaner than a drunk Flyers fan seeing a Penguins fan. She also called upon the help of the "Father of all monsters" Typhon (wonder where we got the word Typhoon from?) and the "Mother of all Monsters" Echidna, who if you haven't guessed already were a married couple. This unholy marriage of these monstrous beings would make a marriage between Cthulhu and Cthylla seem like a happy occasion.


Aw yeah, that's something that I would like to call a wife.


It's because of these two bumping and humping that we got the following monsters:

1. Orthrus- the two headed guard dog of Geryon. (who was killed by Heracles)
2. Cerberus- the THREE-headed guard dog of Hades (Who was beaten and captured by Heracles, but lived)
3. Ladon- the many headed guard DRAGON of the Garden of Hesperides (also killed by Heracles)
4. The Lernaean Hydra- The multiheaded poisonous serpent and terrorist organization (Beaten by Heracles and Shield/Captain America)
5. The Nemean Lion- the nigh indestructible lion that terrified the people of Nemea (Oh God, Again killed by Heracles!!!)
6. The Sphinx- The riddling half woman half lion with wings monster that would have probably been a girlfriend of Ed Nigma (Talked to death by thankfully Mythology's Freudian nightmare, Oedipus and not the god damn Heracles!)
7. The Chimera- An walking abomination of a lion, a goat, and snake; which would make a ton of money on the sideshow circuit. (Killed by not Heracles, but Bellerophon on a Pegasus)

However for the time being, these monstrous offspring would have to be left run amok as the Olympians had to deal with their parents. Specifically, the Olympians wanted to get rid of Typhon, seeing as he was a hulking monster with serpents for legs, fingers, and hell let's just have his head be hundreds of serpents; basically he was Indiana Jones' worst nightmare. (However, he did have a human torso for some reason) So terrible was this monster that most of the gods themselves feared him, but Zeus decided to step up and take on Typhon.


I can take him out in a round or two


The first battle between Zeus was like Rocky I, only Zeus didn't really go the distance, did not get Adrian, or cause Typhon to want a rematch. (In fact it was more like the beginning of Rocky III or Apollo Creed vs Drago in Rocky IV) In fact, Typhon kicked Zeus' ass so hard that he ripped off the god's left arm off! But like the Black Knight it was only a flesh wound for him as he no sold it worse than John Cena and retreated to lick his wounds. (Though I think that bloody stump would not taste good at all)

But nothing but a little dismemberment would keep the King of the gods down, he would just have to retrieve the sinews back and get his arm fixed. (Because that's how the god's roll with horrible injuries like that) Zeus then prepared for battle yet again, but would he be up to the task? Would the Olympians collapse just as bad as the Pittsburgh Penguins are doing right now against the Flyers? Will I ever stop asking questions to make my blogs seem longer than they actually are?!


ROUND 2 FIGHT!
The battle was fierce as Zeus and Typhon squared off in a titanic struggle to determine the fate of the world. With each blow, tsunamis and earthquakes occurred and the world was being reduced to flames and rubble as the two continued the fight. Typhon threw MOUNTAINS at Zeus like Donkey Kong throwing barrels at Jumpman, but Zeus countered by spamming the thunderbolt worse than a protagonist in a Shmup.

Eventually, the hail of thunderbolts won out on the gigantic eldritch abomination and Zeus was able to defeat Typhon, but was unable to kill him. So in order to prevent the king of the monsters to rise up in vengeance, Zeus did the sensible thing and RIPPED A PIECE OF LAND and threw atop his defeated foe. This piece of land would later be known as SICILY! Unlike Cthulhu though, Typhon never went to sleep only to awake when the stars were just right.

Tradition holds that Typhon still lives under the island and it is pretty easy to find where his head is. Why? Well like the worst troll you can find on the internet, Typhon had the ability to spew vile hot gloop that we in the scientific world like to call magma, now when this magma leaves the Earth it is known as lava. (See where I'm going here) Now it just so happens that there is a place in Sicily where this hot stuff emerges from a mountain, so without the knowledge of Geology that we have today, the Ancients thought it was Typhon screaming as he is forever pinned by the hunk of rock that Zeus threw on him.

Don't think this is the end of the Giagntomachy now; the war between Gaia and the Olympians was just getting started.

I'm so glad that Metal has a soft spot for fantasy and mythology