In their quest to find the Golden Fleece, Jason and his heroic crew repopulated an island where the women killed all their males, met the king of the Dolionians, killed a tribe of giants, lost Heracles, killed the king of the Dolionians, killed another king in a boxing bout, saved King Phineas from Harpies, and crossed the Clashing Rocks. After a few other stops along the way, (including losing the seer Idmon to a boar in Bithynia) they reached Colchis.
Damn that's a tiny dolphin
The guard of the city came out to confront this foreign ship, but allowed Jason and his crew to enter the city; their king wanted to speak with them. Jason and his crew were lead to the palace of King Aeetes, who was the current holder of the Golden Fleece. He was not an evil man, but he was just not going to hand Jason the Golden Fleece without a test.
Jason accepted the challenge, but asked for a couple days rest for his crew and to be able to resupply the Argo. King Aeetes allowed the request and had Jason with Argonauts comped with the finest rooms in his palace. (As per tradition and the rules of hospitality) Here, Jason would find the girl of his dreams and the solution to all his problems.
I'm sorry that I don't have a spoonful sugar, because this stuff tastes horrible
Before he would met his "Princess Aura", (I use that reference lightly since Aeetes wasn't really evil) he was actually depressed ever since he was presented with these tasks. After all the trials and tribulations that it took for them to get their, Jason was actually discouraged with continuing? This would be like if Indiana Jones went through the three trials, met the knight, and when told to choose the right grail say, "Man, getting here was hard, but this is just impossible! Screw this I'll get my dad a doctor!"
Hera noticed that her so called hero was a sadder excuse of humanity than the entire Philadelphia Flyers fanbase. Thus, she needed something to give him the confidence to continue his quest; so she planned to pull out the old "Give the hero a hot woman who will give him back his confidence to complete the task" trick. (Always a foolproof plan)
Hera summoned everyone's favorite living aphrodisiac Aphrodite and then persuaded the goddess of love to help her. The queen told Aphrodite to get her spoiled brat of a son Eros out and get Aeetes' daughter, Medea, in love with Jason. As soon as the princess saw Jason moping in his room, Eros struck her with his love inducing arrow and immediately she was madly in love like a cat and a bag of catnip.
She went over to the sulking hero and began seducing him like a whore from Gomorrah. Now he might be depressed, but Jason is still a Greek hero and having a woman fawn over him would make get his confidence back. She told Jason that she knew all the tricks it would take to complete these three tasks, because not only she was beautiful as Helen, but she knew magic like Zatanna! (Okay more like Circe, but you get the idea)
Khalkotauroi- talk about a long name for a couple of brazen firebreathing bulls
The first of these three tasks was like many of these types of challenges, an incredible exaggeration of an otherwise mundane task. (From hunting deer to cleaning stables, nothing can escape being made epic by Greek Mythology) Jason had to successfully yoke and then plow a field with the two legendary bulls of Colchis, the Khalkotauroi. What makes this task hard though?
Well the name Kkhalkotauroi is Greek for "Bronze Bulls" and I'm not just saying they looked bronze in color, these were actually made out of bronze. These two gigantic beasts were gifts from Hephaestus, who gave bronze death machines out to mortals like candy; terrible firebreathing candy. Did I mention that these two bulls breathed flames out of their mouths?
No one had been able to do this task because, not only were these bulls more ornery than that bull from the Looney Tunes, but also anybody that tried was burned to death. (You ever seen that alien get lit up in the John Carpenter classic The Thing? Yeah burned like that) However, Medea knew how to create a secret ointment that could protect Jason from the flames.
The next day, Jason went down to the fields as all the citizens of Colchis coalesced to watch this man get incinerated. None knew however, that Jason had already applied the balm, thus he was protected from the flames as he yoked the bulls and successfully plowed the fields. The crowd was impressed and shocked, but Jason still needed to complete two other tasks.
Yes I know that is Cadmus
The next task was a direct result of plowing the fields, (Giggity) Jason had to now sow the fields with dragon teeth ala the myth of Cadmus. And like that myth, when he planted those teeth, soldiers popped out, and were prepared to kill him. But Medea again helped him beforehand to get out of this pickle.
She told him that to defeat them, he needed to get them to fight each other like a zombie getting hit boomer bile. Just as they were about to charge at Jason, he quickly threw a rock in their midst and being the dumb warriors that they are, decided to kill each other because each one thought the other threw the rock. (Much like any food fight in a stereotypical American Middle School) After all that was said and done, Jason stood triumphant and the city of Colchis had been stunned once again.
However, since this story was most likely aped from that Cadmus story, I feel that for once, our popular culture has made a superior version of what happened. Nothing says awesome like skeleton fight!
AWESOMENESS!!!!!
Now only one task remained and that was actually getting the Fleece from the sacred tree where it was guarded at all times. Not by mortal men of course, but by a dragon/serpent that was always vigilant and killed all that tried to steal the Golden Fleece.
Not going to be so sleepless now are you?
Like most dragon guardians in Greek Mythology, these beasts slept like Data and by that I mean they never slept. These monsters didn't even need to drink or eat and when they ate, they were eating anything foolish enough to try and steal what they guarded. While his fate in the effectivness of these tasks was wavering, King Aeetes nevertheless had full confidence that the dragon would kill Jason. (I had the same confidence in the Steelers winning the Superbowl last year XP)
But once again, Medea had a solution for Jason, she created a sleeping potion that would impress the Sandman. She had given it to him earlier and told him that all he needed to do was pour the potion on the dragon and then he could take the Fleece. Jason carried it with him as he walked up to the sacred tree of Ares, the Golden Fleece was going to be his if he could just defeat this dragon.
He quickly took out the sleeping potion and poured it on the dragon, much to the surprise of the citizens and the king. They didn't know what was happening, but when they saw the dragon fall down unconscious they knew it was over. Jason waltzed over to the tree and took the Fleece, but surprise Russo swerve!
U mad?
Turns out King Aeetes was evil and he was not going to hold on to his word and just get his army to kill Jason and his Argonauts. Nowhere has there ever been a shocking heel turn since, except maybe Michael Cole's turn in 2010. Now Jason, Medea, and their crew had to get the hell out of Doge and escape the military might of Colchis.
Wait this is wrong! Let's cut him up first!
Jason, Medea, and his crew were able to reach The Argo, but not before Medea killed her brother Apsyrtus and had his corpse brought along with them. (Man and I thought my sister didn't like me) The Argo began making it out to see, but Aeetes and his navy were in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, the Argo didn't have a button that could go to ludicrous speed and Aeetes' fleet was getting closer, but they did have the corpse of the King's beloved son.
Thus, Medea came up with a grisly way to distract her father and that was by cutting up the body of her brother more times than the Captain Rhodes in Day of the Dead. After cutting him up, they chucked the pieces out to sea and because Apsyrtus was made out of ivory soap, the pieces floated across the sea. When the king saw the pieces of his son floating around he stopped picking up every single piece to give him a burial. And so the Argo was able to escape with the Golden Fleece, but Medea's actions would incur the wrath of the gods and the journey back would not be so straightforward.
Damn that's a tiny dolphin
The guard of the city came out to confront this foreign ship, but allowed Jason and his crew to enter the city; their king wanted to speak with them. Jason and his crew were lead to the palace of King Aeetes, who was the current holder of the Golden Fleece. He was not an evil man, but he was just not going to hand Jason the Golden Fleece without a test.
Jason accepted the challenge, but asked for a couple days rest for his crew and to be able to resupply the Argo. King Aeetes allowed the request and had Jason with Argonauts comped with the finest rooms in his palace. (As per tradition and the rules of hospitality) Here, Jason would find the girl of his dreams and the solution to all his problems.
I'm sorry that I don't have a spoonful sugar, because this stuff tastes horrible
Before he would met his "Princess Aura", (I use that reference lightly since Aeetes wasn't really evil) he was actually depressed ever since he was presented with these tasks. After all the trials and tribulations that it took for them to get their, Jason was actually discouraged with continuing? This would be like if Indiana Jones went through the three trials, met the knight, and when told to choose the right grail say, "Man, getting here was hard, but this is just impossible! Screw this I'll get my dad a doctor!"
Hera noticed that her so called hero was a sadder excuse of humanity than the entire Philadelphia Flyers fanbase. Thus, she needed something to give him the confidence to continue his quest; so she planned to pull out the old "Give the hero a hot woman who will give him back his confidence to complete the task" trick. (Always a foolproof plan)
Hera summoned everyone's favorite living aphrodisiac Aphrodite and then persuaded the goddess of love to help her. The queen told Aphrodite to get her spoiled brat of a son Eros out and get Aeetes' daughter, Medea, in love with Jason. As soon as the princess saw Jason moping in his room, Eros struck her with his love inducing arrow and immediately she was madly in love like a cat and a bag of catnip.
She went over to the sulking hero and began seducing him like a whore from Gomorrah. Now he might be depressed, but Jason is still a Greek hero and having a woman fawn over him would make get his confidence back. She told Jason that she knew all the tricks it would take to complete these three tasks, because not only she was beautiful as Helen, but she knew magic like Zatanna! (Okay more like Circe, but you get the idea)
Khalkotauroi- talk about a long name for a couple of brazen firebreathing bulls
The first of these three tasks was like many of these types of challenges, an incredible exaggeration of an otherwise mundane task. (From hunting deer to cleaning stables, nothing can escape being made epic by Greek Mythology) Jason had to successfully yoke and then plow a field with the two legendary bulls of Colchis, the Khalkotauroi. What makes this task hard though?
Well the name Kkhalkotauroi is Greek for "Bronze Bulls" and I'm not just saying they looked bronze in color, these were actually made out of bronze. These two gigantic beasts were gifts from Hephaestus, who gave bronze death machines out to mortals like candy; terrible firebreathing candy. Did I mention that these two bulls breathed flames out of their mouths?
No one had been able to do this task because, not only were these bulls more ornery than that bull from the Looney Tunes, but also anybody that tried was burned to death. (You ever seen that alien get lit up in the John Carpenter classic The Thing? Yeah burned like that) However, Medea knew how to create a secret ointment that could protect Jason from the flames.
The next day, Jason went down to the fields as all the citizens of Colchis coalesced to watch this man get incinerated. None knew however, that Jason had already applied the balm, thus he was protected from the flames as he yoked the bulls and successfully plowed the fields. The crowd was impressed and shocked, but Jason still needed to complete two other tasks.
Yes I know that is Cadmus
The next task was a direct result of plowing the fields, (Giggity) Jason had to now sow the fields with dragon teeth ala the myth of Cadmus. And like that myth, when he planted those teeth, soldiers popped out, and were prepared to kill him. But Medea again helped him beforehand to get out of this pickle.
She told him that to defeat them, he needed to get them to fight each other like a zombie getting hit boomer bile. Just as they were about to charge at Jason, he quickly threw a rock in their midst and being the dumb warriors that they are, decided to kill each other because each one thought the other threw the rock. (Much like any food fight in a stereotypical American Middle School) After all that was said and done, Jason stood triumphant and the city of Colchis had been stunned once again.
However, since this story was most likely aped from that Cadmus story, I feel that for once, our popular culture has made a superior version of what happened. Nothing says awesome like skeleton fight!
AWESOMENESS!!!!!
Now only one task remained and that was actually getting the Fleece from the sacred tree where it was guarded at all times. Not by mortal men of course, but by a dragon/serpent that was always vigilant and killed all that tried to steal the Golden Fleece.
Not going to be so sleepless now are you?
Like most dragon guardians in Greek Mythology, these beasts slept like Data and by that I mean they never slept. These monsters didn't even need to drink or eat and when they ate, they were eating anything foolish enough to try and steal what they guarded. While his fate in the effectivness of these tasks was wavering, King Aeetes nevertheless had full confidence that the dragon would kill Jason. (I had the same confidence in the Steelers winning the Superbowl last year XP)
But once again, Medea had a solution for Jason, she created a sleeping potion that would impress the Sandman. She had given it to him earlier and told him that all he needed to do was pour the potion on the dragon and then he could take the Fleece. Jason carried it with him as he walked up to the sacred tree of Ares, the Golden Fleece was going to be his if he could just defeat this dragon.
He quickly took out the sleeping potion and poured it on the dragon, much to the surprise of the citizens and the king. They didn't know what was happening, but when they saw the dragon fall down unconscious they knew it was over. Jason waltzed over to the tree and took the Fleece, but surprise Russo swerve!
U mad?
Turns out King Aeetes was evil and he was not going to hold on to his word and just get his army to kill Jason and his Argonauts. Nowhere has there ever been a shocking heel turn since, except maybe Michael Cole's turn in 2010. Now Jason, Medea, and their crew had to get the hell out of Doge and escape the military might of Colchis.
Wait this is wrong! Let's cut him up first!
Jason, Medea, and his crew were able to reach The Argo, but not before Medea killed her brother Apsyrtus and had his corpse brought along with them. (Man and I thought my sister didn't like me) The Argo began making it out to see, but Aeetes and his navy were in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, the Argo didn't have a button that could go to ludicrous speed and Aeetes' fleet was getting closer, but they did have the corpse of the King's beloved son.
Thus, Medea came up with a grisly way to distract her father and that was by cutting up the body of her brother more times than the Captain Rhodes in Day of the Dead. After cutting him up, they chucked the pieces out to sea and because Apsyrtus was made out of ivory soap, the pieces floated across the sea. When the king saw the pieces of his son floating around he stopped picking up every single piece to give him a burial. And so the Argo was able to escape with the Golden Fleece, but Medea's actions would incur the wrath of the gods and the journey back would not be so straightforward.
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