Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
And I am back for the next task that Heracles had to complete. When we last left our hero, he returned to Eurystheus wearing the hide of the Nemean Lion as a cloak. Terrified, Eurystheus sent Heracles on his next quest, to slay the deadly Lernaean Hydra.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Yes I'm back and I think it's a good time to introduce to you the famous burdens that Heracles had to face in order to receive redemption for his past actions. What did he do you might ask? Well his bitch of a stepmother caused him to go mad and kill his wife and two kids. He was then forced to complete ten tasks, I'll explain later, for his half-brother Eutystheus, king of Tityns and favored by Hera. Heracles first task was to kill the Nemean lion, a beast that could not be killed by any weapon.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
First off, if anyone who reads this has fought or lost a loved in war, I would first want to thank that person for their service and second I would like to send my condolences. The following paragraphs deal with my personal thoughts when it comes to war.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I have decided that this will be the last blog to carry to the Douchebag moments, but fret not, I will still write about Greek Mythology, but instead of just douchebag moments, I will do any moments that interest me. So for today's edition of DMOGM, I look at Theseus once again and how doomed his son.
Fear my mighty mutton sword!
Friday, October 15, 2010
And what better band to start this little blog off than Manowar.
Got the image off http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&global=1&q=Hoplite#/d1qx1oi
Posted by Zachary Tolbart at 10:16 PM
Now I know that this comes off as a bit random from the schedule that I was setting up, but I realized that I have a graduation trip with my aunts to Italy, Croatia, Greece, and Turkey. So after this blog I'll be gone for a while (two weeks) so I hope you like this blog and wish me luck (maybe I'll find some local stories in Greece). (This Was a Very Old blog)
Remember last week Zeus was a pioneer of the Vore fetish? Well if he is a pioneer then his father was the founder. This tale provides enough trauma to make the Greek Gods the douchebags they are known for.
Out of all the Greek Gods, Hephaestus seems to be the only one that didn't act like a total asshole, except for that attempted rape of Athena. Perhaps it stems from his ugly appearance, which ostracized from the other gods and made sympathize with humans more since he understood what it felt to be inferior to the gods. He also probably hated the fact that his wife Aphrodite was off fucking Ares and because of this little tale of child abuse.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Oh Zeus what has not been said about the guy. He is the not only the god of gods and man, but also apparently the god of rape and adultery. Zeus is ultimately an immortal horny teenager, having sex with any woman or nymph that his lusty eyes lock onto. Now I want to tell the tale of how Zeus seduced his wife, whom he would betray again and again, into marrying him. Enjoy.
Another obscure Trojan War scene? I'm really have my head stuck in the plains of Ilium. This tale is only referenced in the Iliad, but made clearer in earlier epics of the Epic Cycle. If you love betrayal, you are going to love this.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
This story is well known by all. It is the story of Achilles and his notorious death. Now the idea that Achilles was basically indestructible is actually more recent than the Iliad, in fact there are scenes in the Iliad where Achilles is wounded. Then later on someone had the idea that Achilles' mother either dipped him in the River Styx, covering his heel, or that he was placed over a fire to burn the mortality from him and that the process was stopped when his father pulled Achilles from the fire when the process was nearly complete. As we all should know, Achilles was killed by that loser Prince of Troy Paris, who was hated by Greeks and Trojans alike. Now I want to show you how much a douchebag Paris was in the death of Achilles.
Dramatic Reconstruction of Heracles' life
Heracles, son of Zeus and Hera Alcmene (who Zeus raped disguised as her husband)
Heracles, hated by queen of heaven, but loved by mankind.
Heracles, accomplisher of the 12 impossible labors.
Heracles, murderer of his wife and children (I'm not going to make a Chris Benoit joke, because professionals have standards.)
Huh, I wonder if Good Ol' Herc got the douche gene from his sexually deviant father, well this obscure myth will just prove that the son takes after the father.
The Victim of Heracles, an old man
Posted by Zachary Tolbart at 7:24 PM
Okay, now I'm going to explore a really obscure myth. If you thought Niobe was obscure, this one raises that to 11. It is so obscure that I couldn't really find any good paintings to make funny remarks at, but oh well I tried.
You I have realized something when casual people talk about the Trojan War, they know little of the Trojan War. I'm not blaming them it just feels weird to see how little some people know. There are such great little moments in the Epic cycle that are forgotten by the mainstream. A good example of this would be the story of poor Philoctetes who was bitten by a snake and left on the island of Lemnos. (Future blog maybe?) Now the story I'm talking about today occurs at the second gathering of Aulis, where the Greek fleet prepared to set out for Troy.
There was a time when the Olympians did not rule the Earth, but instead a barbarous race of immortals know as the Titans in a time known by mythologists as the Titanomachy. Soon the next generation (the Olympians) rose and fought against the Titans in a war of epic proportions. A war that included three hundred handed brothers throwing mountains at the Titan's stronghold. Now some of the Titans helped the Olympians usurp Kronos from power. This is where Prometheus comes in, he is a being of great foresight and thus when saw that the Titans weren't going to win, decided to stand at the Olympians side. One has to wonder though, did Prometheus see the massive dick move by the god he helped become master of the universe?
As I have looked over the many myths that occur in the Greek Mythos I have come to realize that the gods are the type of people who take the comments of mortals way too seriously. Really, because a woman brags your mom that she has more children than her, you and your sister think it is right to go and kill all 14 of the boastful woman's children. Thus I begin to explain the douchebaggery that occurred to Niobe and her children.
Oh boy do I have a special story for you guys today. This involves two acts of divine douchebaggery on one person by two deities. One by a horny sea god and the other by a angry war goddess.
If any mythology rules at having douchebag deities, its Greek Mythology. I like to chronicle the famous and obscure tales of douchebaggery that run throughout Greek Mythology. I would like to start with a fairly well known story, the story of Arachne and Athena.