029 Labors of Heracles (Part 9)

*Before I begin I have a very long and probably meaningless introduction

After 29 blogs of me poking fun and informing the uncountable number of guys and gals reading (I mean that literally since there is no more hit detector here anymore T-T) I have been depressed by the lack of feedback by you faithful readers. I know some of you might want me a video series, but we know how that all went.

Damn you voice! Why couldn't you be like Brad Jones'!

However, I cannot stay depressed now, because last weekend marked the greatest weekend of my life, for I volunteered at the 70th annual Society of Vertebra Paleontologists conference here at the David Lawerence Convention Center! (Which is very surreal since Anthrocon also occurs here and you can image the thousands of furries attending the beautiful building. But my crowning moment of awesome occurred last night when I attended the reception party at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History. (Not getting a cast of an Allosaurus toe claw or a kickass hat)

Damn I'm Handsome! :)

You see, I volunteer at the museum since March 010 and I have been waiting for this event since August. After working at the Paleontology Lab for an hour, I was allowed and encouraged to walk and talk with the people who I wished to join in their profession. I was standing by the two Tyrannosaurus Skeletons when I spotted a man standing by the Triceratops skeleton.

No, John Hammond was by the Apatosaurus Diplodocus skeleton!

It was Jack Horner, the man who I idolized and inspired me to take up the field of Paleontology. After fighting the incredible nervousness that stricken me, I finally walked up to my hero and said, "Hello Dr.Horner, I am a huge fan of your work." The man smiled and looked at my name tag and said, "Hello Zach." This was such a surreal moment, yet epic moment in my life. We conversed about colleges for five minutes and then we departed,  but not before the old scientist told, "Nice meeting you Zach, I wish you luck" Now what does this have to do with the Tale of Heracles and his twelve tasks? 

Absolutely nothing! (I just wanted to tell you that little story of my recent life)

Now leaving one epic story to another, I continue my look at the epic tasks of the Greek Brawler, Drinker, and Hero Heracles. We are nearly done, but there are still some science  stories to be done. After capturing the carniviourus mares of Diomedes, Eurystheus ordered Heracles to retrieve the girdle of Hippolyta.

 Stick Around!

Now if you are a fan of Wonder Woman, you have a basic idea of who the Amazons were, but I will give so more information for the noobs here. The Amazons were the daughters of Ares and like all offspring of Ares they cared about only one thing: war. Yes from the Thracians to the Romans to Patton all of the offspring of Ares love war. They hated man and only used men for breeding and menial work (quite a humorous role reversal) if they gave birth to a boy he would either be killed or sent to the men to raise; they only accepted girls in their society. These women were apt at riding the horse and really good archers, searing or lopping off their right breast to make it easier to fire. Their queen was Hippolyta and she was like the queen bee of this feminist nest of hornets. She had been kidnapped before by the Athenian hero Theseus. This led to them having a bastard and the Amazons attacked Athens, who were able to retrieve their queen. So what would happen to Heracles when he would arrive at this city of tough women?

She maybe hot but she will skin you alive (unless you are a chick)

You'd think the Amazons would be up in arms when Heracles docked into their city; ready to castrate him and split down the sternum. It was Heracles Qwarkian iron-hard abs that saved him from death; for you see, though the Amazons hated men it was because that their husbands were all weak sissy men. So when hulking behemoth of raw demigod physique comes by, the Amazons receive him warmly, hoping that they could create some strong women. Hippolyta, wearing the girdle bestowed upon her by her father Ares, welcomed the hero into her palace and asked him what he came here for.

IRON-HARD ABS

When he told her of his quest, she gladly offered her girdle and herself to him (huh some feminist you are) Hera, the matriarch of the Amazons, was also puzzled and upset at this development and decided to make this task harder on her most hated enemy. She swooped down to the city disguised as an Amazonian guard and raised the alarm that Heracles had raped Hippolyta and was planning on kidnapping her like Theseus did (with Heracles' help btw). Not wanting to see their queen humiliated and taken from them a whole army began to amass at the palace gates. (Must have been there time of their month, I kid I kid!)

Where's an oil drum when you need it?

Thinking he was betrayed, Heracles did what any rational man would do. Kiss the chick for TWO MINUTES and then immediately KILLED HER before hastily taking the girdle off her lifeless body (I hope so, this is Greek Mythology after all and we all know how classy it can get in these stories) and fighting his way back on the boat and sailed back Tiryns to give the girdle to Eurystheus so that he could use it for the first showing of Rock Horror Picture Show. No doubt Heracles took a cold shower after this one.

Thanks for suffering through that pointless introduction. 

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